Fifth Thought

Someone very special to me in my life, has gone away to college. It has not even been a week yet but I miss him with a force. It was so painful the the first night after he left, I couldn't stop crying. Any time I have a thought to spare, I think of him. I try and think of the good times, and oh how good they were, but I eventually come back to the part where I can't hold him in my arms and the pain is almost debilitating. Like a physical presence that takes root in my heart, rips up through my chest and strangles my neck. I think weird thoughts like does he think of me, does he miss me? Has he forgotten about me in his vastly more interesting and important new life? Then I feel guilty, because I know these thoughts are mostly unfounded. Yes, he has been caught up in the busy of his life as of late, and yeah, he's neglected me some, but he still loves me. While most people have to learn to trust themselves I have to learn not to, because I've been blowing things out of proportion in my head. Really the person who can torture you the worst is yourself. You know all of your own worst fears and can play them out in excruciating detail in your own head. How Ive been surviving, is by distraction, college, hanging out with people, video games, whatever. When I'm alone though, and left with nothing but my own thoughts the pang returns and the best I've been able to do is remember the good times, and hold on to the beautiful hope there will be more of them.

Fourth Thought

School is about to start up again, and I don't know about you, but I'm none too excited. The wonderful pattern of putting off assignments until the day before and holding grudges against classes I don't want and don't need. However the meeting new people aspect holds a certain attractive quality. Though I was never born into it I miss the days of apprenticeships, where one would learn directly about whatever job they wanted and never once had to work out unnecessary GE's. I'm going to be a freshman in college this year, and my hope is, now that i care about and am interested in 3/4 of my classes that the increased workload won't feel as much of a burden. High School isn't some place I'm going to miss terribly, at least not until my memory is so fuzzy i can't remember how much shit was involved with being a high school student. However it was still a ton better than middle school. I don't know if it was just me, but it felt like a prison there, it was stricter than high school and the kids were nastier. Suddenly aware of their own individuality (or potential thereof) the kids fractured off into many cliques, and made sure to alienate anyone they couldn't relate to, so that they felt more secure in their own social standing. Everything is relative, and you can't truly feel accepted until you can see someone who isn't. Ah the lovely days of schooling. I used to comfort myself with the thought that all the people who tormented me would become jobless hobos, but with one of the last assholes who used to bother me making it into some ivy league college, I've had to come to terms with the reality that intelligence and hatefulness are not mutually exclusive.