Twentieth Thought

Some music just catches you by the heart-strings, you know?

Ninteenth Thought

Where does un-vented anger go?
It seethes inside you.
You can suppress it, but that makes it worse.
By pushing it deeper you give it access to the most vulnerable parts of you.
The same goes for sorrow.
It curves around your innards, coating every crevice, sinking into the pores -
It dichotomizes the feelings within you, so when you are happy it looks absolute, and when you are upset, angry, all goodness is eclipsed.
And then you forget about it. It's "gone".
Which in the long run is worse than it plaguing your thoughts.
Now it can influence you without you even noticing.
How did you feel? Angry? Betrayed?
You didn't like that he canceled on you five times in a row, did you?
You felt unimportant, left behind, forgotten
You didn't like waiting, waiting and waiting for that man to come for you, like he said he would. You waited, faithfully, for two hours, and what did he have to show for his lateness? Excuses. When he left you knew it was because he no longer loved you, and wanted to stall.
So now you become angry, upset when someone is late, when they cancel, you think they have better things to do, that they don't care, that they're leaving you behind. Your heart remembers it's old wounds, and now, without thinking, you anticipate another attack.
You force the ones you love to face the consequences of actions not their fault.
And the snake rears its ugly head, the demon, slithering inside your colon, so deep you can't even feel until it's striking out of your esophagus, injecting venom into an unsuspecting victim. Smiting he who dared touch old wounds.
Worse than anger at others, its anger at yourself.
Then you can't write someone off, and let the rage die with their passing.
No, it lives within you because you are the source of this fury.
When he said those characters were too emotional, you lashed out, because on some level he was attacking you. Attacking you, yes, because you know you are like that yourself, and of course, your subconscious is so sure that it is a personal attack. An attack on your pride, your ego, salt in the wound. You hate it about yourself and don't need reminding. So crack! goes the whip as you strike back, in self defense.

Anger is linked too with envy.
It boils, because you feel worthless. You just can't put out like your supposed to, like your expected! You rage in jealousy of all who enjoy themselves this way. Why can't I have that? Why not? What's wrong with me? You envy their pleasure, and it poisons your own attempts because you already know your a failure. The irony being you're so sure you know everything about something you could never get right.

And it stays right there, snaked, entwined, entangled in your vital organs, and there it will keep. Fear is added to the mix now, because to address all these things, to admit them to the open air with your own lips, with your own voice, is to expose oneself. To cut open your own belly, and shine daylight on the ugliness inside for everyone to see. You're afraid they'll think you're weak, possessive, and incompetent as well. You're afraid they will agree, agree to what you're subconscious has said all along, that you're a failure. You are afraid.

Eighteenth Thought

I tried making a Tumblr earlier today and I can't figure the f**king thing out, not very user friendly >:x This is the poem I wrote and put on Tumblr, or tried to anyway

Beaming

‘Twixt beams of light

Which reach towards ground

Standing there, ‘twixt beams of light

Brown haze broken

Ne’er a beam shall touch thee

Ne’er a a shaft of light

‘Twixt shafts of light and darkness stand

The last man of tonight