Thirty Sixth Thought

Stuck here, between classes, in the Library
"Doing work"
Nails badly needing of a cutting typing on the keyboard as I pass the time
Thoughts linger on Saturday last, desiring Saturday next
Dreading Thursday
Not dread - cringing in advance?
Not quite...
I don't think I'll like Thursday very much

Next class is full of presentations
Full of - well you know
Im too tired to listen
Too distracted to care
Wanting out, wanting home, a warm shower and some anime, your voice over the phone
Those caressing waves of sound
Though I'd prefer your caressing hands, the phone will do for now
Until Saturday
When your voice will be undistorted by Cellphone towers and grainy speakers

I want to be home in an empty house, but then I remember it's not empty

My family structure has an expiration date
Good before January 2020
But suspect any time before as well
Hairline cracks are forming, that threaten to become valleys
A renegade and an elder
One or the other will leave first, either by fury and rage of blind youth, or the other a weak heart
And if not a weak heart, by 2020 it is certain old age will claim her
I threaten that structure as well, it will be a natural, socially sanctioned time of leaving, but with all the events before it, it might as well be an escape
Whenever that happens, before 2020

But one must focus on today
What was I doing? Oh right - killing time
I swear it's self defense

Thirty Fifth Thought

The witching hour approaches, and slowly my shell begins to unwind
Ribbons of flesh and bone unraveling, exposing a smaller man, a paler man, radiant as the full moon, but brittle as a dry branch

At the witching hour I stand naked before God and Goddess
They grasp and feel and explore my body, extolling me of my virtues but reminding me of my faults

Nothing escapes their gaze

They see me for who I am, no pride, no pretense, no modesty
They see the pockmarks and scars, they see where my skin shines brightest, and the glow in my eyes

I spend all night after this, trying to envelope myself in my second flesh again
The stronger, darker, more virile, flesh
The flesh that deflects pain and strife, the bones that hold me up when I should fall

They are fabrications for my own defense and survival
Like all beings I wear a shell

For the shell is strong, and sturdy, and practically impenetrable, save for the witching hour, It contrasts with the self within, glowing and insubstantial, like gas

People change when they reveal this to each other, when they stand naked in each others presence, to be close enough to touch in this state, is take some of them into oneself, and to lose a small part of ones own identity to the other, neither exactly the same as they were before, although their outer shells are unaltered

To reveal this to another person, is a show of trust beyond all reason, to become so vulnerable
Just as the shell is damaged by physical attacks, the inner self is damaged by emotions, by hate, and malice, by ideas, and most of all rejection

Who have you stood naked before?
For who have you been nude, in the only way that matters
For whom have you shed your shell?

The witching hour has come and past
And now I pick up my shell, and get dressed

Thirty Fourth Thought

Close my eyes, center
I must draw her close
Breathe her in
Let her pure essence drive out all the ills that take residence within me
My fear, my doubt,
My anger, my prejudice, my judgment
An it harm none, do what ye will
Always I must remember this, help me, ancient mother
Drive out the culture of hate and accusation in which I was grown
The culture of conditional love
Help me to accept that which I do not understand

Help my heart to believe what my lips profess

That it's all ok

However difficult it may seem, I always have a kernel of your wisdom within me - Love

Thirty Third Thought

Canciones por mi cielito y yo

How it all started:



The growing flame:



Warmth and tenderness:



Disbelief:



Acceptance:



How in the world I managed to end up with you is a mystery to me, I thought I could never feel like this again, I thought muted colors were simply my world, but with you all is vibrant, and I realize such a feeling could never be truly lost, not with someone like you in the world.

With you my sky is not blue but sapphire, and the stars are not yellow but gold. With you the word romance takes on a whole new meaning. With you, all else is reduced to a whisper, and all I can hear is your voice.

That sweet voice, with exquisite timber, and sound all it's own. Best heard face to face, inches away from each other, so then I can hear each breath as your lungs draw in the air around you, draw me close to you. So I can feel each exhale, dancing across my skin.

Close enough to kiss, sharing souls, winding together like a single being. Close enough to to run my hands through you hair, with all its gorgeous curls. Close enough to count your eyelashes. Close enough to forget there's anything beyond each moment we share together.

That's where I belong, close to you.

Thirty Second Thought

Just some stuff I wrote a while back

10/19/10 - The title was a writing prompt in writing club

Dreamer in a Dead Language

The dreamer weaves a web of dreams
In a language lost to all
No one hears for no one cares
Her words on deaf ears fall

She dreams translucent pure and clear
Her nightmares are opaque
She can barely stand to hear
Her greatest fears they spake

Her aspirations antiquated
Brittle old and dry
She dreams and speaks in crystal truth
But they all speak in lies

10/19/10 - I had been growing out my nails for a drag costume and i was remembering the warden from Holes

Untitled

Long nails
Clickety clack
I don't bite
But I'll scratch
So nice - until provoked
Leaving gashes in your throat
Why'd you go and do that?
Now my nails are dirty

10/21/10 - Stress at home + xbox = escapism

Escape

Falling into a land of lollies
Getting high on all my follies
I'll float along on licorice lane
My smile is cracked but still quite sane

My wonderment is so much better
Than reality, which I must weather
Into Xbox I'll dissolve
And ne'er a problem be resolved