Seventh Thought

I have come to understand, that we all change
(Writing that statement frightened me alot more than I thought it would)
We are all aware that we change, but it's something like a natural disaster
We know it exists but subconsciously refuse to acknowledge it could happen to us
Or people we know
It hurts us the most when people we love change
Even if it's for the better
Maybe we're scared that we won't be able to love this new person
So instead of trying to know them, we cast them away preemptively

I was thinking today maybe I should go to school in the city, and live there
In one way or another
I might change
In fact I think I would, for worse or for better?
Would I be colder and meaner? Or maybe just smarter and more independant?
Would you still love the new me?

I realize that you changing scares me because on some level I'm trying not change
My fear is that the new you and the old me won't be compatible
The clearest solution is the hardest
I must change too
And with luck, the two new people who arise from the husks of our old selves will love eachother too
Maybe not like we love each other now, but in a different way, maybe even in a better way

Sixth Thought

Bright sunlight, twenty four hours, at all times, unrelenting
I would love this
I feel too weak to face the night
Nor do I have the energy to be busy
I still fear stagnation
I feel like I'm running from demons, can't stop, but my lungs are filling with liquid nitrogen, and my legs are cramping, am I stagnant in my movement? As crazy as it sounds?
Sometimes the will to do anything beyond being and reacting leaves me
I wonder where I was in a past life
What led me to where I am?
It's as if my body aches to finish up the to-do list of a life already lived, whose memory got left behind
Yearning without a direction

Ok I have a book here
It's called "The Life You Were Born To Live - A Guide To Finding Your Life Purpose"
By a Mr. Dan Millman
Maybe he can help me
I need to add up all the numbers in my birthday, every single digit....

Ok the total is 30, and when I add those two the resulting number is 3, so I am a "30/3".
Let's skip to that chapter.
My life theme is emotional expression *looks around at blog entries* ok so that makes sense...
Apparently 30/3's make excellent depressives.. but all of my writing is so cheerful lol
mmmmm *keeps reading*

Fifth Thought

I can't wait until it's spring again
Until I'm me again
In my entirety
When the static that sometimes wavers in the foreground
Will only flicker in the background

When the earth will burst into life again

When the birds will sing again

When my skin will glow again

I can't wait until it's spring again
Until I can see again
When I can wiggle my toes in the grass again
Will it always feel that good?

Will the air be as sweet?

Will the breeze be as soft?

Will the sun shine as bright?

I can't wait until it's spring again

Fourth Thought

Walking through a field
Paintbrush strokes of green and brown tickle my legs
Little flowers look up at me
You face in each one
Breeze ruffles my hair, like an older brother
The sun greets me, asks how my morning has been

"It's been going pretty well"

Finding a good spot i kneel, and start picking flowers
It's like reaching into the image of a kaleidoscope
Your face in each petal, each leaf and stem

One to put behind my ear
The other in my breast pocket
The other in my mouth, like a flamboyant Huck Finn

Cross legged
Indian style, they used to tell me
Though I'm sure they've never been to a reservation, to to the river ganges

It's a good morning